itsmechloemay

Hello my lovelies, it's been a bloomin' long time since I last blogged - to be honest I've had that much happen in the past year+ that it was the last thing on my mind, I simply forgot about it. 

As you can tell from the title, one of the major changes to my life is the fact that I'm expecting! Shocked? I was too, I had a miscarriage the 13th August 2018 and didn't have a period afterwards (minus the clots and bleeding from my loss) but didn't think nothing of it, was a massive surprise to find out in October that I was 7weeks pregnant!

My partner was over the moon but I was more scared of losing yet another baby that I never really had it sink in until I got past the 12 week mark but even now it doesn't feel real and I'm constantly on edge of something happening.

Anywho, I wanted to write a post to raise awareness on mental health in pregnancy as I feel it's not greatly spoke about which alongside those painting the pretty picture of pregnancy (which I'm in no way meaning any offence, I actually envy them) and those claiming that anyone who doesn't enjoy their pregnancy doesn't love nor deserve their baby, that we're not grateful for our bundle of joy - all of which is highly untrue! 

I for one love my baby girl with all of my heart even though this has been one of the toughest experiences of my whole entire life.

I've suffered with an eating disorder for many years and was on the road to recovery just before finding out I was pregnant, at first my partner and I assumed it would be easy, a blessing in fact to have fell pregnant in my recovery admit would give me more of a reason to eat, stay healthy and keep on the right track, which for a period of time it was and it still is apart from the fact that my body has changed. You're probably all sat there thinking the same thing 'obviously Chloe-May, that's what happens, you get a bump to provide space for your baby' and obviously I was fully aware of that but I just never actually saw it happening until it started to grow.

At times I'll love my little bump and want to show it off like a little accessory but more than often I just want to lock myself away and never let anyone see me. Admittedly I feel massive, fat and ugly in my body. It doesn't go to say that I don't love what/who my body is creating or that I'm not proud of it for doing so but my body perspective is far from one of beauty. Clothes shopping is something I used to live but now I just dread it, everything that fits my legs and bum to the point I feel confident is far too tight on my stomach and anything that fits nicely around my bump, well it's too big for my bum and legs meaning I just look baggy and saggy which only just adds to the way I feel and look.

Secondly; I suffer from SPD, Pelvic Girdle Pain and incredibly bad sickness pretty much from the start. All the daily activities like going to the toilet, having a shower, walking, going upstairs and even just standing and sitting legit kill me. I spend most of my days crying in pain and having to lay down on the sofa or in bed with a hot water bottle and pain kilkers. It's very rare I get to do anything outside of my home so the odd times I feel well enough to go out I take full advantage as I know that the few hours I'm good are only going to make my pains even worse when I get back and I won't be able to move from the bed without Chris carrying me everywhere for the next god knows how long.

In conclusion, pregnancy just takes a massive toll on you not only physically but mentally also. Momma's never ever feel as though you can't express how you genuinely feel during pregnancy. If you enjoy it and love every second then sing it from the rooftops and if, like me, you find it in incredibly exhausting mentally and physically then make that aware too! Get the help you need and never ever feel like you'll be judged - I promise you no matter what your story or feelings are there's always someone out there that feels the same way and would find comfort in talking to someone who understands. 

Either way Momma's it"s all worth it in the end!